My birthday is in less than 2 hours.

Here are the plans for my birthday weekend:

Tomorrow morning Matt, Trevor and I are going on a drive. Our goal is a secluded beach upon which we will look at the sea, smoke cigars and drink homemade beer (excusing Matt of course, as he is admirably legal).

Tomorrow night, us three plus Renae and Amber hopefully will be going to a play. We've purchased tickets, but I say hopefully in that somehow my plans usually fail. I don't know why. But God willing, we will be.

Saturday night, the plan is to have a mystery dinner at my house, with 8 friends and my sister and parents. It looks to be an exciting night of intrigues.

Sunday the family is having a family day. I don't know what we'll end up doing, but a nice dinner is in the works.

Monday I'm meeting my friend Katelyn in the afternoon, and another dear friend, Sharon, in the evening, the latter at a pub on Post Alley. I hope both of those dates work out because I really appreciate both of those people.

Tuesday morning I fly out to LA, pick up a car, and hopefully see Azina.

Tuesday, Wednesday and possibly Thursday I drive home.

Here's the part that terrifies me: after I pick up the car on Tuesday, I have no firm plans for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm setting off to swim across the pacific, knowing the only guaranteed stop is Asia on the other side. It looks very vast from here, and cold, and scary. And now that I'm swimming, I see no other course than to continue on towards the other side, which I call heaven, and home.

Wish me well. Voy con Dios.

The UK was nice but now Africa looks like liberty.

1. It's official. No one is allowed to smoke in the UK. So much for my dream of a pipe and a pint in a pub.
   
2. In other news every time there's a terrorist attack, the suffering nation responds by allowing the government more power and the people less freedom. You can now be held for 28 days without charge in the UK. Funny that it takes 28 days (and Blair wanted 90 days) to find a crime to charge a "terrorist" with. Even though we know they're "evil" and the opponents of all things good and right, because they threaten citizen's liberty. Reverse that and suddenly anyone who threatens a citizen's liberty is a terrorist, and now, hey there, the UK is a terrorist state. Only they think it's their duty to protect their citizens, says Blair. By incarcerating citizens while searching for crimes to charge them with? Someone is confused.
3. In other news, Zanzibar looks neat. Another place on the list of places to go.
   

where is that wisdom when I need it Jesus?

I have a feeling that even if I read every book on safe people, healthy relationships, boundaries, negotiations, shalom, holiness, communication, love, and every book on man's search for meaning, and searching for God knows what and every book on the gospel, raggamuffin and otherwise -- I have a feeling that no matter how many books I read I'll still fail at relationships. I'll still have unhealthy friendships. I'll still hurt people. I'll still be unfaithful. I'll still break my word. I'll still judge. I'll still do everything I hate myself for doing.

This makes me really, really sad and I don't know what to do about it.

I don't have anywhere to turn. God's not talking. I'm resigned. I can't do this. I'm giving up on me. And I don't even know what that means. I'll still have friendships, but maybe I just won't expect them to be healthy relationships, or safe or holy or anything but depraved and human. That is so sad.

Is this the curse? Imperfect relationships for the duration of our lives? Then this really is a curse and now, finally, I'm pissed at Adam and Eve.

I'm sorry I keep hurting you. This isn't me repenting and promising never to hurt you again. This is me realizing I'm fucked, and this is me begging for your grace.

Oh, this blinding light is nice

The sun is in my eyes.

It's been 55 some days since I've been able to say that.

Take that S.A.D.

Fuluptinacaputle

I should not:

1. Listen to happy music
2. On Sunny Days
3. It makes me want to travel
4. and I just can't afford that right now

I've just realized that if I can make it through summer without a car, I can afford to go to Eastern Europe for a month at the end of summer. Slovakia anyone? Estonia? Croatia?

And these are dreams, and only dreams, but they keep me going. They are just dreams, because, well, if I don't have a car, I can't make the money to go to Europe. So, I must buy a car, which uses up the money for Europe. Sick cycle, I know.

Anyway, listen to: Let Go by Frou Frou and Just Watch The Fireworks by Jimmy Eat World, and just the whole Keane album in general, and finish off the Garden State album while you're listening to Frou Frou.

I think I'm going to take the dog for a walk.

And in the midst of this, Darfur, new youth pastors, girls, schools, airplanes, businesses, ideas and it's still COLD out. It's all so confusing.

But as a dear friend said, "Your job isn't to be certain about anything. Your job is to love God and love people." That's a relief. But how? God seems so transparent sometimes: I know he's here, but everywhere I look I'm seeing trees and pillows and runways and blue sky. How is it so hard to know someone who's so close? Everything points to the fact that Jesus is still talking... but is he? You'd think he'd work on speaking more clearly, if he really cared to talk to us.

My sunny day is getting clouded by these worries.

Stopping. Toodle pip.

The past 48, a recap.

So today I missed the opportunity of a lifetime, and yesterday I almost died.

We'll start with death, so that we can end on a good note.

It began because I was thirsty. I was on military road near 5 mile lake, and I was thirsty. I started looking for my nalgene. It wasn't in the front seat, so I progressed to the back seat. No go there, but after about 10 seconds I realized, "Hey, I've been looking back here for about 10 seconds... I bet I'm drifting." So I looked up. At that very moment I was greeted with a ditch, one of those very ditches Amber never lets me off-road in. There was a ditch and a stop sign, and I was going 45 mph. So I did what any self respecting Jeep owner does: I swerved. However, I was already becoming horizontal in the ditch so the swerve was a bit abrupt. My tires caught the grass and yanked me back onto the road, with a big clunk where I hit the edge of the pavement. I flew across the yellow lines, corrected hard back onto the shoulder, corrected into the lane, and after a couple of small corrections, continued on my way, never having reduced my speed or hit the brakes. Then I laughed really hard for a long time and had a rather chipper rest of the afternoon.

Then today, I was in downtown Kent, on Meeker Street, in the midst of all those little shops, when I missed the opportunity of a lifetime. I stood on the north sidewalk about to get into my car, when across the street a payphone started ringing. Naturally there was a sudden rush of traffic. I nearly ran in front of a car, but I decided the trauma might be too much for the septagenarian piloting it, and so I waited my turn. The friendly old man took his bloody time passing me, two whole rings. I made my way across the lanes, through parked cars, across the sidewalk, my eyes tunnelvisioned on the ringing payphone. As I crossed I discussed with my shoulder-angels the merits and dangers of answering said payphone. What if there was sniper nearby? Posh, said the courageous angel. Well, what if it's an important phone call for a spy? Courageous angel rolled his eyes. It could be a wrong number. Courageous angel decided that idea was too boring. He and I consulted, and chose to take the risk and answer the phone. So I arrived, and I reached for it, and it stopped ringing. Sigh. It was the first time I've encountered a ringing payphone. What if it's the last? What if the person was dying and was giving a final call for help? What if they were suicidal were searching for a caring soul, and thus, practically speaking, they died because I waited for traffic?

I stood by the phone for a while, waiting for it to ring again. When it didn't I meandered back across the street -- the now empty street -- and wondered how the once annoying rain seemed so poetic now.

And tonight I walked into a door. I just flat out forgot to open it.

And in case anyone was wondering, I haven't actually climbed a snow capped mountain before.

"And" is my new favorite word, because it means people intend to keep talking.

Say hello in case this is our last goodnight

The sillhouettes are spiders, crawling like the night
Your eyes are greenwhite, luminescent like the sea
untresspassed, sanctity
That cloud, it's a monster, it scares me with its claws
The dragon shakes the boats, and I'm falling down
The plankton are greenmilkwater, and we wander in their world
You're laughing. It's windy, and I can't stand

My lifeboat is leaving yours. Can you see a way to row?

The cold in the water, the warm of your hand,
I miss you already, Thank God we're friends.

Pandora's box fell open, but I latched it shut
I caught hope inside -- I'll keep it under my coat,
The ocean won't steal this from me.
My heart was open, but now it's closing time,
it's on the house, thanks for talking, I love you
friend.

A girl spinning in the rain, curious,
how many drops till the clouds runs out,
how many birds fly all the way around the
world -- can they keep up as it races by?
Let's catch it like a ship that's leaving late for
who knows where

I've been here before
but not with you.

Your eyes plus mine and the stars are stories,
the sweaters are softer, softer on a cloudy day
The girl is barefoot, spinning in the waves
The beach fades in fog like memories and photographs
Was anything ever clear?
The sand leads to who knows where, to the edge of
who knows where, but our lifeboats have landed -- so come on, let's go.

Thoughts for curious minds on Saturdays

"The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths."


-- Groucho Marx

From A.W. Tozer's Knowledge of the Holy:

"To believe actively that our Heavenly Father constantly spreads around us providential circumstances that work for our present good and our everlasting well-being brings to the soul a veritable benediction. Most of us go through life praying a little, planning a little, jockeying for position, hoping but never being quite certain of anything, and always secretly afraid that we will miss the way. This is a tragic waste of truth and never gives rest to the heart.

There is a better way. It is to repudiate our own wisdom and take instead the infinite wisdom of God. Our insistence upon seeing ahead is natural enough, but it is a real hindrance to our spiritual progress. God has charged himself with full responsibility for our eternal happiness and stands ready to take over the management of our lives the moment we turn in faith to him. Here is his promise: "And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make the darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things I will do unto them, and not forsake them."

With the goodness of God to desire our highest welfare, the wisdom of God to plan it, and the power of God to achieve it, what do we lack? Surely we are the most favored of all creatures."


Emphasis added, naturally.

i don't have a title

I wrote this probably 10 times, and these are the four versions I liked the best. But I want to know which you think makes the point the best. So tell me which you like the best and what you think the point is, so I can know if I made it clear. THANKS.

------
1.)
One time I kissed this girl -- for a long time. She asked me how it felt so I told her she fit perfectly in the curve of my arm, but that she wasn't what I was looking for. I said that because she didn't love me as much as she liked my arm.

2.)
One time I kissed this girl -- for a long time.
She asked me how it felt so I told her
She fit perfectly in the curve of my arm,
But that she wasn't what I was looking for
Because she didn't love me as much as she liked my arm.

3.)
One time I held this girl. She snuggled up to me. She whispered questions in my ear, like "How does it feel," and are you happy right now. I told her she fit perfectly, and that we were like puzzle pieces. Then I told her I thought we were from different puzzles because being with her didn't make me feel any less alone. She put her head on my shoulder and sighed. I don't think she was listening.

4.) (From the girl's perspective!!!!)
After a long road trip, this guy I know put his arm around me, all the way around. He held me for a while, then he moved to a different couch. I asked him why he left and he said I wasn't what he was looking for. Holding me didn't make him feel any less alone. I think he's happy now, because he's with a girl who likes him even when he's weird.

something i'd like to tell the modern church, because i'm obviously angry at it

I send you my tired, my weak
I send them teeming to your doors.
I send the sick, the mad, the livid,
I send despair.

If a muddy child should take your hand today
Do not shake them off or back away.
Do not reject them, I insist. I insist!
You must not, for you are a misfit too.

Walking in Jesus' dust

Here's something that changed the way I follow Jesus.

There's a book called "God is closer than you think" and I bought it entirely because I liked how fancy the cover was. But God, as my mom always says, is an opportunist.

So there's this section of the book that tells why Hebrew Rabbis are important to God. Basically it comes down to this: Rabbi's aren't just teachers who blab on about God's law in a classroom lined with maps and dusty books. They definitely do that. But Hebrew boys like their Rabbis so much that they like to spend time with them outside of the classroom as well! So a typical Rabbi, upon leaving his dusty classroom, enters the dusty street tailed by a few eager boys. These boys watch the Rabbi intently. They immitate the way he walks, like schoolboys mimicking a headmaster. They follow him to the synagogue and gather in a ring at his feet and nod in agreement while he discusses the law with other Rabbis. They stand and watch him eat, and they hold their cup with both hands like he does. They follow him to market and watch what he buys and who he gives alms to. These boys are daring: the book mentions that some were so intrigued by their Rabbi that they hid beneath the Rabbi's bed while he and his wife slept. These students would go to any length to discover how their Rabbi lived.

Rabbi's devoted their life to studying the law, and applying it in all situations. Eager students followed Rabbis closely, and watched their every move, to learn the intracasies of applying the law: it was easier to see the law practiced by a human than to attempt to memorize every detail of written words (imagine Leviticus times a million). This is how Hebrew culture worked: there weren't schools for everything. You learned by watching someone. Fathers passed skills to their sons. Rabbis passed the law to these young men who then became Rabbis and passed the law on again.

So why is this important to me? Why do I care if Hebrew boys watched their Rabbi's eat? I care because Jesus' disciples referred to him as Rabbi. Jesus' disciples were not a group of mature, responsible men -- not at first at least. They were not an orderly group, organized heirarchacly. They were raggamuffins. They were lonely college kids with zits, looking for a way to apply the gigantic books of the law in such a way as to attain righteousness. They were young men who weren't even interested in becoming Rabbis themselves -- they had to catch fish with their fathers. But then Jesus came along and they said, "Here is the fulfillment of the law. Here is the one who saves us, the one the stories tell about." And they were fascinated. He lived differently than any other Hebrew. He ate with sinners. He healed people on Saturdays. He loved without reservation, touched lepers, stayed with tax collectors, smelled like fish, even while he taught at the synagogue, raised people from the dead and made really good wine.
He also called the other Rabbis names and told them their interpretations of the law were only there to make them look better and everyone else look worse. He told them they were unrighteous, even though they observed the letter of the law perfectly.

These twelve boys wanted to be just like Jesus. So they followed him around and ate with him, sailed with him, fished with him, visited with him, traveled with him. They did everything they could to become like him. And he taught them. He revealed God to them. He opened the scriptures so they could understand. He commissioned them to do as he did, and to do more.

And it didn't stop when he died. A couple of Thursdays ago I was zoning out during a sermon when my ears tuned in just in time to hear the speaker say, "Paul's telling the Philippians that if all the rules are too confusing, they should just do what he does. He's saying they should follow his example." Paul, who followed a Rabbi, basically offers to be a Rabbi to the Philippians. He tells them that he is doing his best to be like Jesus, and if they want to be like Jesus, they should try to be like Paul. He's saying the Rabbinical tradition didn't end with Jesus. He's saying learning by example is a valid way to learn God's ways.

So I see now the importance of mentors -- how dearly important it was to God that I have three mentors my first two years of college. And I'm seeing now that I too am intended to become a Rabbi -- first to the boys who look up to me, and later to my sons. I am to follow Jesus' example and then provide that example to those who follow me.

And you are to provide an example to those who follow you. Suddenly our dreams for our lives aren't only for us. What we do with our lives will reach farther than our own satisfaction. If we live mediocre lives, then those who inevitably follow us will also live mediocre lives. But if we live like Jesus, then we will transform those who follow us -- they will also live like Jesus.

It's a lot more responsibility, but it's also an amazing affirmation. God told us to do this -- be holy even as I am holy, etc -- and this means he also TRUSTS us with this responsibility. He thinks we can do it. And he's going to help. He wants to be our Rabbi.

So what are you going to do?

Practicing for my days at the NSA

Who knew knives could be such fun. I think a gallery showing is in order.

My only regret is to have been found without a spoon in my pocket. Does anyone remember when Ken stole the spoon? Does anyone from that era read this?

Hm, social capital lacking. That's what sucks about people. They move on, and leave you remembering things alone.

Or did I move on?

Shutup 2AM

I don't want to go to bed. It's not that I'm not tired. I am tired. It's just that I'm afraid of the unknown that tomorrow brings.

Eleven things which brighten days

Things I'm excited about *so far* today:

1. SQUALLS!
2. Sunlight on rainy streets
3. BLUE SKY!
4. Bamboo Windchimes
5. EDAMAMES!
6. 12:30 wake up calls
7. GIANT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!
8. Flax in my yogurt
9. UNLIMITED POSSIBILITIES!
10. Edward V (How did I ever hate Shakespeare?)
11. You.

Cheers.

I must reaaaally like flies...

I was dusting at work today, just like I always do, cleaning cobwebs out of the corners, when I came upon a deserted web that had trapped hundreds of tiny flies. The spider was long since departed, and this bothered me, because the flies died for no reason. What a waste.

ANOTHER Spielsburg movie

After watching Memoirs of a Geisha I have only two things to say:

1. Movies more than two hours long need an intermission. Especially slow movies more than two hours long. Especially this slow movie more than two hours long.
2. I really like Japanese Architecture. One scene in the movie tempted me to change whatever course my life may be on now and become an architect specializing in Japanese gardens. Then I realized I don't want to design Japanese gardens -- I just want to live in one.

My toast is up.

Munich

I feel like writing something else.

I just saw Munich. Incredible directing, subliminal score, enthralling cinematography, convincing script (laughs from the whole audience on a number of occasions) -- very real, very effective over all. Absolutely not recommended.

Another one of those movies that makes you feel impotent -- because no human can solve this dilemma -- and a bit hopeless. The escalation between Ishmael and Isaac's descendents that we feel today, that was so commonplace thirty years ago, has been going on for millenia. And it won't end until the very end. How's that for encouraging?

Go watch Pride and Prejudice. Chew your nails over whether Darcy and Elizabeth make friends in the end. But don't watch Munich. It's raining hard enough.

For those of you who have seen Munich, how about the whole radio scene? Makes the whole conflict seem really... pointless, wouldn't you say?

Eggs, eggs, go away.

To all who commented on the previous post: thanks for weighing in. I would have commented on it, but there were numerous requests that we bump the picture off the hello screen. So, let it be known, this post is for Azina, whose queasy stomach inspires me.

As for your actual comments:
Amber, thanks for the advice. Trevor and I have been discussing it as well, and he managed to successfully poach a couple of eggs directly in the water this morning, so I'm going to give his recipe a shot. Matt, Edie, Steve: Does wealth beget luxury, or does luxury prove wealth? I'm for the latter, and I'll make poached eggs whenever I feel like it, if only because there are some luxuries nearly everyone can afford. An egg isn't very expensive at all. The ten minutes to make a poached egg isn't much either. But the feeling of luxury provided by said eight cent poached egg -- that makes one feel important. So, go for it! Live a little. It's okay! You're worth it.

And Amber again: I'm glad to hear I inspired you. Hereafter, I'll always aim for such heights.

Ooooook, enough chatter. I think the image is off the page. Cheers all!

Toodle pip.

I'm not eating this...

Can some one PLEASE tell me how to make poached eggs? The cookbook's method doesn't work. I used vinegar and everything. I've tried it twice now. Help! I want eggs, not primordial soup.