sometimes i dont like falling asleep because falling asleep is inextricably attached to waking up and sometimes i really hate to do that

This is an excerpt from a letter to Jesus, written this morning about 1am.

"I'm not much of an instigator. I kind of pick up on what every one else is doing and express the need. Someone else has to make it happen though. I'm a good problem finder and problem solver. Which is important. It's not funny though. Or buff. Or simple. Or carefree. And I bear the weight of problems I've not yet solved."

Hmm. Negative again. I'm actually a pretty positive person. Maybe I'm that way because I bottle up the negativity. And then it all comes out in the wrong places and hurts people and makes people think I'm negative. So am I?

Tonight is ending with questions. Ending with chaos. That feels frustrating. But, I think I'm going to let it be. I don't think I can worry about chaos, cause everything is always chaos, and I don't want to always be worried. So, on a positive note, I still haven't stopped since I've been back at school. I've spent maybe 2 hours in this room, other than sleeping, since I got back Monday at 6. Ok, that wasn't positive. But it was honest. And that's positive.

Good night. Morning?

anagnorsis

what happens sometimes is I see the glint of my Dad's skin, shiny where he shaved this morning,

or I see my roommate's pimple, which he pops before saving the world from its mediocrity or from porn,

or I see the bones in my sister's back, where her new shirt folds beneath the collarbone,

or I hear my mother's cough, and realize she could die,

and I am shocked at their humanity.

Life is a metaphor for God's love of metaphor

"I guess I spend most of my time eating M&Ms and thinking about molecules."
- = * = -

Ok, so, I'm a philosophy major. That doesn't mean anything about my interests. I really enjoy philosophy. But lately the idea that's captivating me is the disparity between quantum mechanics and general relativity. All the recent advances in physics have been based on one of these two theories, yet the two are incompatible. Or so physicists say. Many of them are looking for a way to make them work together, but no one's having much success. So I've been putting my own head to finding a solution. Yes, me with no knowledge of physics. Yet, here's the thing: philosophy deals with the exact same questions. And, I'm realizing now, so does theology. And get this, all of life asks these questions, and provides examples of what could be an answer.

More to think about. It's not time to present my ideas. You'd call me crazy anyway. Later. Some other time. Once I've gone insane. :)

Just wanted to let you know.

I want you to know two things:
1.) I'm still alive. Jesus didn't kill me for my honesty.
2.) Jesus is here with me now.

A couple of nights after my rant, he met me in a car on a deserted stretch of windy road. We, and my roommate too, spoke for hours. He brought peace with him, and in our intimacy, we three, we found heaven.

Thanks Jesus. I still don't understand, but at least I know I like you anyway.