I have a feeling that even if I read every book on safe people, healthy relationships, boundaries, negotiations, shalom, holiness, communication, love, and every book on man's search for meaning, and searching for God knows what and every book on the gospel, raggamuffin and otherwise -- I have a feeling that no matter how many books I read I'll still fail at relationships. I'll still have unhealthy friendships. I'll still hurt people. I'll still be unfaithful. I'll still break my word. I'll still judge. I'll still do everything I hate myself for doing.
This makes me really, really sad and I don't know what to do about it.
I don't have anywhere to turn. God's not talking. I'm resigned. I can't do this. I'm giving up on me. And I don't even know what that means. I'll still have friendships, but maybe I just won't expect them to be healthy relationships, or safe or holy or anything but depraved and human. That is so sad.
Is this the curse? Imperfect relationships for the duration of our lives? Then this really is a curse and now, finally, I'm pissed at Adam and Eve.
I'm sorry I keep hurting you. This isn't me repenting and promising never to hurt you again. This is me realizing I'm fucked, and this is me begging for your grace.
everyone has moments of weekness and ones where they question everything. moments where relationships seem to be hollow and imperfect. moments where you can't hear Him talking. moments where no matter where you go there are still no answers, only more questions.
ReplyDeletethey are hard, its true. and everyone has them. but what you have to remember is that you are only human. this life, this earthly life is like a test, or game of some sort. you are here to try your best and do whatever God has intended. there are always bumps in the road where you are put to your limits, just to see how strong you really are.
we are imperfect. thats life. you have to learn to accept it and live with it. nothing is going to change today, tomorrow or in the future. its a harsh reality, but its reality. no book can teach you life lessons. all books tell you is how others have come to realization, how others have come to accept our natural faults.
this is my opinion. it may be wrong or right, i'm not really sure. for i am still trying to come to terms with this human life of imperfection myself. you hurt people in your world you wish you can take back.some days are harder than others.
Hold in there bud, God's not shunning you. Just try to remember that He said "I'll never leave you nor forsake you" He's always going to be there waiting with open arms to put us back on the Path. If you keep on searching and keep crying out eventually the asnwer will become clear. Maybe not soon but, if you're truely searching with an honestly and clean heart God will Always respond.
ReplyDelete