Blogger Church

On my application for small group coordinator in my dorm I there's a little question about the Church body I am involved with. Damn. Gotta be honest here: I go to a different church every week. That's if I go to church. I'm a bad Christian really. I'm not a Christian really. I just know Jesus. I like him a lot. I care what he thinks about me more than I care what my friends think of me. More than my parents too. I don't know him that well though. I wonder how I can get to know him better. Getting to know Christianity better is easy: just read another book, get another perspective. But knowing him... It takes a lot of time. He's just like a person: you have to spend time with them to get to know them. To get to know them better, you have to share experiences and you have to watch how they react. You have to pay attention to them.

Extreme experiences that expose new facets of people are rare when you go to college. Getting to know Jesus takes a lot of time at school. It's time to be patient I guess. I'm afraid though. I miss him.

My "church" is Jesus, my roomie, a couple friends, my mentor and the books I read.

I snapped at a professor today. I apologized.

I'm weary. So weary. I feel like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, dangling above my demise, the breaking point about to drip from my eye. I've caught it, caught it, here it goes again. Jesus help.

Suicide is a trend. When a famous person kills themselves, lots of people do too. The other major reason people commit suicide is to make people feel guilty for neglecting them.

You don't have to die when you commit suicide. There's other ways to kill yourself. I've done it many times. Once a year. I did it after 3rd, 7th, 9th, 10th, 11th grades and senior year almost counts.

I've 9 lives. Each one gets better. Maybe it's time to move onto life eight. Two more chances to make it work. Then I'll have to stop running.

I have to get up at 6:45 tomorrow morning. I woke up at 6:45 tonight. I needed that nap. I need one now. I need one at 6:45 tomorrow morning. My life counts tomorrow. Tomorrow I show someone they're important. I give my time, my sleep, my health to make sure he has a chance at the American dream. I believe in one thing. Everyone counts.

I need a massage. I'm tired of hearing how my friends' actions and their words when I'm not around are so dissonant. I need a hug. I need to play. I need to be warm. I need to not win. I need to not try to win. I need to be content to play and be content to win and lose. I need ... not want.

Don't you hate it when people put empty orange juice cartons in the fridge? I'm that carton right now.

I'm weary and they walk away. "It was a great concert." That's nice. I forgive you.

You can't see me. I'm the one erasing the picture. I erase the lines while you color inside them. You'll have a picture; I'll have a piece of paper with eraser marks. But mine will be original. Mine will be me. And I'll be tired. Erasing -- reinventing -- creating -- that's harder than paint by number. No, you'll be happier. But I'll be me. No. I'll be nothing.

Jesus is waiting. Voy.

Fuck. Suicide is great way to get people calling you stupid.

Now they worry. Don't; don't worry. You're not obligated. This is not a cry for help. This is me admitting I need help. I'm not asking you. I'm telling me.

Galen, you need help. You can't make it. You're really not that strong. But where does your hope come from? Yea, from Jesus. He saved me once. He loved me then. He loves me now. No, not that kind of love. That's not love. That's politeness. He loves me like you love music. Like you love writing. Like you love traveling. Like you love film. Like you love teaching. Like you love life.

When I turned 5, he was there. When I fell off my bike, he was there. When I jerked off, he was there. When I gave my first sermon, he was there. When I got my heart broken, he was there. When I listened to Eminem, he was there. Same when I listened to U2 and Jason Upton. And when I went to church. And when I went to Canada. And when told a girl I loved her. And when I knew I lied. When I slept through class. When I aced my paper. When I hurt my knee. When I hurt it again. When I prayed and a woman was healed. When I doubted. When I prayed and my friend wasn't healed. When I didn't think about doubt. When my sister's hamster died and I stayed up all night praying it would come back to life so she wouldn't cry. When the cold fur told me God didn't care. When I told it to fuck itself. When I told my friend to fuck himself. When I bragged about it later. When I felt self-righteous because I can swear and Christians can't. When I realized I am free because someone was better than me and didn't act like it. When I asked for help. When I wrote this. Now.

Peace to you. Jesus be with you. Jesus' peace be with you. Jesus... please... now... help.